Mario On Crack… er, I Mean, “Ice”

THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is the definition of fucked up. Here’s sort of a running play-by play commentary…

…Jason Bateman? Who the fuck? Alyssa Milano, though… wasn’t she from Who’s The Boss? Some other stuff, too, I hear.

…is that a computer monitor? With an NES attached? Does that even work? Did that even work in… what the fuck was this? ’85? ’86?

I don’t know who this guy is, but nice synopsis of Super Mario Bros. ‘Cept that I don’t think Goombas count as Koopa Troopas.

…I like how everyone else is just staring at Bateman. Na na na na na na Bateman! Yeah, anyway. Goofy segue into the ice part, I guess.

…wait. Wait. WTF? A computer virus, that’ll let loose all the evil forces stored in the computer?

Fuck, how many years did this predate Rockman.EXE by?!

Why is Bowser an actor in a bad suit? I thought the Ice Capades were full of costumes? Like, Disney World costumes?

Wait, Mr. Belvedere? I remember that guy. He used to come on at 5:30. After ALF or something.

And to think Hollywood settled for Dennis Hopper all those years later.

…I thought Milano was supposed to be some sort of at least semi-talented actress. That “no” couldn’t be any less convincing. God, girl, scream! Bowser’s fucking up the world with uneven makeup, bells on his… are those even horns?! …ew, and the fugliest pants I’ve ever seen.

But the background rocks. I want a room of my someday-house to look like that.

The baddies look cool, at least. Someday when I’m rich, I’m going to have my entire staff of butlers and maids dress like this. Or maybe not. But that’d rock, still.

…wow, listen to those marching orders. Reminds me of the first time I saw a Mettaur in Battle Network.

The music has a neat Mario vibe to it… and so far, the singing is the best thing about Mr. Bowserdere.

Wow, look at how those kids are simply hypnotized… they must be living their life’s dream or something. Or maybe mine, once.

Hmm, a mobile castle… he’s never done that one before, has he? That’s cool. I want one. And he ought to have it in the games. No need for other castles, just make Mario chase that one.

WTF? The logic behind this defies me, little as there is of it… why would you make the Princess a costume character, but Bowser a human in a bad suit?

Why does Princess Peach(Toadstool at the time, I suppose) sound like Fran Drescher?

And here’s a bonus question for you: If the Super Mario Bros. aren’t “Super”(i.e. “big”), then can they still be accurately refered to as the “Super” Mario Bros.?

Why the FUCK does Mario sound like Fred Flintstone? With an Italian accent?

…well, I KNOW why the Italian accent, but Fred with one? Sheesh.

…but the way that Luigi vaped the Koopa Paratroopa rocked. I wonder how they did that. Fire-flower nothin’, get me one a’dem!

…ok, and down go a pair of Koopa Troopas, followed by a look at Luigi close-up, andSHIT! Those eyes are freaky. Fuck, I shouldn’t be watching this so early in the morning…

Cute to hear the kids booing the Goomba. Incidently, if the three Koopas before him didn’t work, why would Bowser think the Goomba would? You’re supposed to lead off with them, after all.

I also notice that Luigi’s doing all the work here. And he’s reminding me of Contra in the process. Or Doom.

Vacuum cleaner nothin’, I tell you what. Dr. E. Gadd needs to start producing these… things.

And another Goomba. Oh, I see what Bowser’s doing. He’s going to lull Luigi into a false sense of security by making him think that all he has left are Goombas, but Luigi doesn’t know about the mofo HAMMER BROTHER! …wait, why is he blue? Oh well, there really are no defined colors, are there? In any case, this is all SMB1, so Luigi could be royally fucked here… you don’t fuck with the Hammers.

…of which he only seems to have one. Firmly in his hand. Not being thrown…

…shit. He didn’t even get to come to a complete stop before Luigi fragged his ass.

Before I go on, let me break away and say that I’m pretty sure I heard of and wanted to see this show as a kid, but didn’t get to. Growing up, I always wondered why so many people liked Luigi over Mario. Well, now I know. Luigi is BADASS.

Uh-oh, here comes Bowser, lead by Spiny… it’s ON, now! Two thornbacks are shit you don’t want to mess with. But Luigi has his BFG’86, I think he’ll do fine…

…wait, where the fuck did Luigi go?! He fucking hightailed it, and left the damn kids and guys in the overalls to fend for themselves! At least with those colors, they should be able to start throwing fireballs in a huge crossfire, right? Nuke Bowser back to Yoshi’s Island.

…or not. No, even MORE sadistically, they seem to be moving their brick block/castle things in to CRUSH him!

…ah, here we are! BOTH Brothers, including Super Fredio, ready to rumble. It’s GO time, now!

Oh, FUCK! RUN BOWSER! THE BRATS HAVE PIPE WRENCHES! HEAD FOR THE FUCKING PIXELATED HILLS!

…too late. Sheesh, Bowser was bad, but a wrench beating? Actually, those things seemed to blow him up like the gun. Maybe they used pipe-bombs… you know, being plumbers and all. Or plumber’s helpers.

Now the kids are being spun around by the “helpers,” they sing a song. And not “The Mario,” either. God help us if this had been it.

…ugh. Princess Fran with the ugly eyes is back.

…the Purple Plunger?! What the fuck, woman?! Where’s the fuckin’ cake?! EVERYONE knows that the Marios LOVE cake! More than sex itself! God, what a tease.

Luigi’s just standing there, looking happy because he did all the work, but look at fucking Mario, showboating around. You’d think he actually DID something! I think he set this whole thing up, that’s what I think. He was probably orchestrating the attacks from off-sides. I bet he got Bowser those fugly pants, too. Ok, maybe not, but still, making Luigi, poor Luigi, do ALL the fucking work and then being a gloryhog… fuck you, Mario. Mother fuckin’ fuck fuck you.

…whup! Look at that! Luigi has some backbone after all, and stands up to Player #1! And they end by arguing like Fred and Barney.

I like some of it. Mostly the costumes for the baddies and the background. And the music. Sucks they didn’t knock a Troopa down and kick his shell across the ice, though. That would’ve been pretty badass, especially if he knocked the rest down.

Still, that’s just some crazy shit, and you’d have to be absolutely nuts to watch something like this twice…

*saves it*

Thanks to zaphy for the link.

LBD “Nytetrayn”

David Oxford

David Oxford, or “LBD ‘Nytetrayn’,” as he is sometimes also known, is a freelance writer of many varied interests who resides in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. If you’re interested in hiring him, please drop him a line at david.oxford (at) nyteworks.net.

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