Forwarded Fun – 11/14/06

Alright, let’s see what I can find in the ol’ Inbox…

Just for the record, I don’t claim any of this as fact, nor do I necessarily share any of the opinions, I’m simply passing it on for the sake of general interest, and hoping someone gets something out of this without having to clear their Inboxes.

1. Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katie, a 3-year-old girl, to hold the light high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Katie did as she was asked. Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

   The paramedic then thanked Katie for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

   Katie quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his ass again.”

2. A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About two hours.”The guy left.

   A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

   The barber looked around at the shop and said , “About three hours.”

   The guy left.

   A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

   The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a half.”

   The guy left.

   The barber turned to a friend and said, “Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes he keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.”

   A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

   The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when he leaves?”

   Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said, “Your house.”

3. Two tough questions.

   Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

   Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

   Q2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for?

   Candidate A. Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He’s had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

   Candidate B. He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

   Candidate C. He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates would be our choice?

   Decide first… no peeking, and then scroll down for the response.

   Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
   Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
   Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

   And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn’t it?

   Makes a person think before judging someone. Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading… Never be afraid to try something new.

   Remember: Amateurs…built the ark.

   Professionals…built the Titanic and finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

   29 have been accused of spousal abuse, 7 have been arrested for fraud, 19 have been accused of writing bad checks, 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses, 3 have done time for assault, 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit, 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges, 8 have been arrested for shoplifting, 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits, 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year…

   Can you guess which organization this is?

   Give up yet?

   It’s the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

   You gotta pass this on….

4. During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:”Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”

   The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?”

   Peter said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

   “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

   “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.”

   The teacher fainted……

5. Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

   With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!”

   At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

6. REAL FRIEND TEST !This is GOOD..I expect it back too! I especially like the last sentence!!!!!!A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself (and doesn’t feel even the least bit weird shutting your ‘beer/Pepsi drawer’ with her foot!)

   A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears..

   A simple friend doesn’t know your parents’ first names. A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

   A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

   A simple friend hates it when you call after they’ve gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

   A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

   A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it.

   A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight.

   A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you!

   A simple friend reads this e-mail and deletes it. A real friend passes it on and sends it back to you!

   Pass this on to anyone you care about……if you get it back you have no beginning, no end.

   It keeps us together, like our Circle of Friends.

7. A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him and says, “What’s wrong with you?”In a weak voice, the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?

   The big dude says, “I saw the curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.”

   The small guys says, “Turner Brown?! Whew, Thank God! I thought you said “Turn around!”

8. A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.””Pet fish?!” the warden replied.

   “Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.”

   “That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”

   The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”

   “O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!” the game warden replied.

   The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”

   “Well, what?” the man asked.

   “When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted.

   “Call who back?” the man asked.

   “The FISH.”

   “What fish?” the man asked.

9. Dear Terrorists,I am a Navy Aviator. I was born and raised in a small town in New England. I come from a family of five. I was raised in a middle class home and taught my values by my mother and father.My dad worked a series of jobs in finance and my mom took care of us kids. We were not an overly religious family but attended church most Sundays. It was a nice small Episcopal Church. I have a brother and sister and I am the youngest in my family. I was the first in many generations to attend college.

   I have flown Naval aircraft for 16 years. For me the flying was never a lifelong dream or a “calling,” it just happened. I needed a job and I liked the challenge. I continue to do it today because I feel it is important to give back to a nation which has given so much to me. I do it because, although I will never be rich, my family will be comfortable.

   I do it because many of my friends have left for the airlines and someone has to do it.

   My government has spent millions to train me to fly these multi-million dollar aircraft. I make about 70,000 dollars a year and after 20 years will be offered a pension.

   I like baseball and football but think the players make way too much money. I am in awe of firemen and policemen and what they do each day for my community, and like teachers, they just don’t get paid enough.

   I respect my elders and always use sir or ma’am when addressing a stranger. I’m not sure about kids these days but I think that’s normal for every generation.

   I tell you all this because when I come for you, I want you to know me. I won’t be hiding behind a woman or a child. I won’t be disguised or pretending to be something I am not. I will be in a U.S. issue flight suit. I will be wearing standard US issue flight gear, and I will be flying a navy aircraft clearly marked as a US warplane. I wish we could meet up close in a small room where I could wrap my hands around your throat and slowly squeeze the life out of you, but unfortunately, you’re hiding in a hole in the ground, so we will have to do this a different way.

   I want you to know also that I am very good at what I do. I can put a 2,000 lb weapon through a window from 10,000 feet up. I generally only fly at night, so you may want to start sleeping during the day. I am not eager to die for my country but I am willing to sacrifice my life to protect it from animals like you.

   I will do everything in my power to ensure no civilians are hurt as I take aim at you.

   My countrymen are a forgiving bunch. Many are already forgetting what you did on Sept 11th. But I will not forget!!

   I am coming. I hope you know me a little bit better, see you soon…sleep tight.

   Signed

   A U.S. Navy Pilot

   Our Soldiers are one of our greatest assets!

   God Bless each one of them and their families.

   In God We Trust and God Bless The U.S.A.

10. Only in Louisiana. You gotta love this lawyer – it’s too good not to share!Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this. A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

    (Actual letter): “Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.

    While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”

    Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

    “Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the US, from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

    For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to US ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

    The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus’ expedition.

    Now the Pope, as I’m sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God’s original claim to be satisfactory.

    Now, may we have our loan?”

    The loan was approved.

11. A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?” The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year (a pretty small salary) and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic… “Try doing it with the engine running.”
12. Texas Deputy vs New York Lawyer…Only in Texas my friends…. Only in Texas ….. Too bad……A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy’s expense.

    Deputy says,”License and registration, please.”

    Lawyer says, “What for?”

    Deputy says, ” You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

    Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

    Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

    Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

    Deputy says, “The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

    Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

    Deputy says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.” At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

13. 9 Things I Hate About Everyone1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

    3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

    4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

    5. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

    6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

    7. When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.

    8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?

    9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

14. Sign in a store window:”WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN”This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia . You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business, and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement. We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.

    You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

    Answer: A Funeral Home

    (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

    You gotta love it!!! God Bless America!

15. Why, Why, Why ?Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?

    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

    Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

    Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

    Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

    If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

    Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

    Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

    Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

    Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

    Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

    How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

    When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”

    Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

    In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

    How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

    And my FAVORITE……

    The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

16. A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping, unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, “I don’t care, what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.”The husband replies, “What did he say about your 55-year old ass?”

    “Your name never came up,” she replied.

17. Women vs MenWOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFASTShe’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

    WOMEN’S REVENGE

    “Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

    “So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

    “No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

    MARRIAGE SEMINAR

    While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.”

    He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”

    Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?”

    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

    She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

    He answers, ” You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own… so does she.
    (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

    WIFE VS. HUSBAND

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

    “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

    WORDS

    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

    The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…

    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

    CREATION

    A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

    “The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

    WHO DOES WHAT

    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

    The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

    The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

    Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

    Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”

    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says…

    “HEBREWS”

    THE SILENT TREATMENT

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.

    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

    The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

    “God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.”

18. NAIL IN THE FENCEMake sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.(Most importantly the last sentence)

    There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

    Finally the day came when the boy didn’t loseWeight Exercise his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

    The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.

    It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there. ” A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.”

    Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole.

19. A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from.So he says, “Do you Know me?”To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???”

    She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”

20. At a French airport… A group of American retired teachers recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, was part of the tour group.At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on.”You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. “Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.” The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

    “Impossible!” barked the officer. “Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France.” The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in ’44 to help liberate this country , I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to!”

21. Shortest Psychiatric JokeA man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.The psychiatrist says, “Well…I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
22. Two men are in a locker room taking a shower after their gym class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.”If you do not mind me saying,” said the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?””I regret I cannot”, lamented the first man. “It is permanently stuck in my butt.”

    “I do not understand,” said the other.

    The first man says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man came boiling out. He said, “I am the Genie of the Lamp. I can grant you one wish.”

    I said, “No shit?”

23. General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.His answer was classic Schwartzkopf.The General said, ” I believe that forgiving them is God’s function. OUR job is to arrange the meeting.”
24. I am sorry but after hearing they want to sing the National Anthem in Spanish – enough is enough. No where did they sing it in Italian, Polish, Irish (Celtic), German or any other language because of immigration. It was written by Francis Scott Key and should be sung word for word the way it was written. The news broadcasts even gave the translation — not even close. Sorry if this offends anyone but this is MY COUNTRY – IF IT IS YOUR COUNTRY SPEAK UP —- please pass this along~I am not against immigration — just come through like everyone else. Get a sponsor; have a place to lay your head; have a job; pay your taxes, live by the rules AND LEARN THE LANGUAGE as all other immigrants have in the past — and GOD BLESS AMERICA!———-

    PART OF THE PROBLEM

    Think about this: If you don’t want to forward this for fear of offending someone—–YOU’RE PART OF THE PROBLEM !!!!

    Will we still be the Country of choice and still be America if we continue to make the changes forced on us by the people from other countries that came to live in America because it is the Country of Choice?

    Think about it!

    All we have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS? We’ve gone so far the other way, bent over backwards to not offend anyone, that I am now being offended. But it seems that no one has a problem with that. This says it all! This is an editorial written by an American citizen, published in a Tampa newspaper. He did quite a job; didn’t he? Read on, please!

    ———-

    IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT.

    I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However…… the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the “politically correct! ” crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.

    I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to America. Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity.

    As Americans…..we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

    We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!

    “In God We Trust” is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women… on Christian principles… founded this nation… and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home… because God is part of our culture.

    If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don’t like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don’t care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so! But once you are done complaining… whining… and griping… about our flag… our pledge… our national motto… or our way of life… I highly encourage you to take advantage of one other Great American Freedom…

    THE FREEDOM TO LEAVE.

    It is Time for America to Speak up If you agree — pass this along; if you don’t agree — delete it!

25. While I was watching TV one weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never want to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and take liquids from a bottle.She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.Sometimes it’s tough being married to a smart ass.
26. I dialed a number and got the following recording:”I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
27. At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, “Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make.”
28. Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend’s house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy’s mother looked straight into his eyes and said, “I hope you didn’t ask for a second piece of cake.””No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking.”
29. Aspire to inspire before you expire.
30. My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.
31. As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald’s one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, “We should pray.”From the back seat I heard his earnest request: “Please, God, don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”
32. Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
33. Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
34. The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.
35. God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
36. I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
37. Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
38. A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver’s door.Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing.But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

    After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”

    “How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

    The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!”

    “OH, MY GOD!” screamed the lawyer. “MY ROLEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

39. Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?””98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.””So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.

    She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

40. Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
41. I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.
42. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
43. An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-mart.”Walmart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-mart?””Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”
44. My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
45. THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

–LBD “Nytetrayn”

David Oxford

David Oxford, or “LBD ‘Nytetrayn’,” as he is sometimes also known, is a freelance writer of many varied interests who resides in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. If you’re interested in hiring him, please drop him a line at david.oxford (at) nyteworks.net.

For a full list of places to find him online, click here.