Cole Slaw

Tonight, something amazing happened: reviled WWE announcer Michael Cole joined Twitter!

suits have ordered me to do it, and they will rue the day. I am on twitter! Tweeting what I can’t say on raw. Welcome to the resistance

My first reaction to that tweet?

@MichaelCole FFFFFFFF—-!

But I quickly realized how much fun this could be. I’d already been dropping put-downs on my non-PMO Twitter, @LBD_Nytetrayn; now I could finally put them where he could see them! And thus it began.

Here, for your enjoyment and for posterity, is a log of the tweets I directed to him this evening:

• It’s good to know you have now become that which you hate most. What’s next for you, Facebook?
• Seriously, I have waited SO long for this.
• .@WWE making @MichaelCole lead announcer was a budgetary move: every time he gives his 2 cents, he gets change back. Often with interest.
• From Cole: “the nerve of eve! Interrupting my show she didn’t want none of this! Coleminers unite!”

  My response: “.@MichaelCole Trust me, no one wants any of you… particularly any part that comes from the neck up.”

• Listening to @MichaelCole leads me to reconsider asking the cable company to fix their signal.
• Wow, @MichaelCole seems to be sexist, on top of everything else. He only interrupts the Divas matches.
• I think I said this before, but @MichaelCole is the Fox News of @WWE.
• Fun fact: @MichaelCole hates caricature artists, as they always draw his head too small.
• What’s the difference between @WWETheBigShow /Kane& @MichaelCole? BigShow&Kane are rotten to TheCorre,while Cole is just rotten to the core.

I just want to mention that the preceding tweet is probably my most retweeted ever.

• From @JoeyStyles: “Has @MichaelCole gone too far with his personal attacks on The King’s family, especially considering King’s parents have both passed on?”

  My response: “@JoeyStyles The only time @michaelcole HASN’T gone too far regarding Lawler is when he ran out of the building.”

• @MichaelCole likes to boast that he was a war correspondent, but I don’t think Coke vs. Pepsi really counts.
• For the gamers reading this: you can replace “Coke vs. Pepsi” with “Nintendo vs. SEGA,” or just any console war in general.
• According to @MichaelCole, to understand someone, you need to see how they were raised. Cole was apparently raised by coyotes.
• Wow, and after all Lawler’s son did for you, @MichaelCole, you turn around and call him a loseWeight Exerciser. Who’s next, @RealJackSwagger? Your guards?

I had a follow-up to that one, but decided it was probably too over-the-top.*

• From @SteveAustinBSR: “Michael Cole and Jack Swagger are pissing me off…im gonna call the match down the middle, but, im gonna take some Whoop Ass to Mania!!!”

  My response: “@steveaustinBSR You know, if you destroy @MichaelCole before you tell the timekeeper to ring the bell, you can still call it down the middle”

• I’m going to feel bad for @trishstratuscom when @MichaelCole takes the title of “Diva of the Decade.”
• Oh, I remember one! “If Unicron turned into a screwdriver, he would still not be as big a tool as @MichaelCole.”
• If @RandyOrton is The Legend Killer, then @MichaelCole must be The Joy Killer.
• For a moment, I thought @CMPunk had teamed with @MichaelCole to take out @RandyOrton. Then I saw that Punk’s tool was just a wrench. My bad.
• I think @WWE is letting @MichaelCole pick their sponsors. That would explain the ads for “Insidious” and “Sucker Punch.”
• Aww, shucks… @MichaelCole didn’t become a trending topic. Well, I tried… I just hope I made his first night on Twitter one to remember.

And, one bonus thought from the end of the show:

• I wish @JohnCena would have spoken like the @OldSpice guy when he made his big reveal. #WWE

Anyway, that was fun, but sadly, I never got a response. But then again, he was working (though he did make tweets during that time), so maybe there will be something yet!

Will I continue this next week? I have no idea yet. Depends on how people respond to this. People loved the one about The Big Show and Kane, though.

* For the record, allow me to say this: I really, honestly, truly despise WWE announcer Michael Cole. However, I harbor no such ill will towards the man who bears that stage name, Sean Michael Coulthard. He does a fantastic job of playing a heel like no other, one which reminds me of the days when the “bad guys” in wrestling were really, truly, legitimately despise.

That said, I hope that Jerry Lawler breaks “Michael Cole’s” jaw at WrestleMania XXVII, so that we might get a break from him for a bit.

–LBD “Nytetrayn”

David Oxford

David Oxford, or “LBD ‘Nytetrayn’,” as he is sometimes also known, is a freelance writer of many varied interests who resides in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. If you’re interested in hiring him, please drop him a line at david.oxford (at) nyteworks.net.

For a full list of places to find him online, click here.